Thoughts on Talking to Our Children

Parents are often told to look for teachable moments. Those who talk about the importance of communication between parent and child often give advice to watch for opportunities to have discussions then jump right into a larger conversation.

If there is a topic that a parent wants or needs to discuss it seems impossible to wait for some event to happen that is perfect to discuss that thing. Perhaps better advice would be that if something needs addressing it should be addressed even if that means the parent brings it up out of the blue.

It should also be said that the way it often works in real life is sometimes situations happen that we are not at all prepared for and parents will need to do quick thinking to link the thing happening to the larger issue. You can't prepare for this much but just hope and pray that at that moment you are able to articulate a larger discussion on the spot.  (Let me be more frank. What you need to do is to be ready to quickly wing it and hope that what is said comes out not just sounding half way decent but just makes sense to the kid). That's the reality of how things happen in real life, but saying that sounds like sloppy advice. Even if that sounds complicated or sloppy, from my own life experience I can say I feel that it is the best advice that parents can be given regarding communication with their kids.

So, first the parent should have an environment where they are present with their kids enough to even have face to face communication. Second, there needs to be a foundation already in place that allows for safe discussion. In order to feel the lines of communication are open the parent must not chastize or punish their kids for asking about certain things or for sharing emotions that are not what the parent wants to hear. Although a parent may not like hearing what is being said such as if they disagree with the opinion, it can be discussed in a respectful manner. Also, if the parent doesn't know there is a problem they can't work at fixing it so even if they cringe to hear something their kid says they should not bury their head in the sand and ignore it.

I always try to link what is being said to the emotion behind it then as quickly as possible start addressing the handling of the emotion rather than focus on the words said first about the opinion or statement. This does work with kids even if you are thinking it could not work. It works perhaps easier and faster than it works with adults, because adults seem to want to hide or guard their emotions and try to keep discussing the issue when the reality is the true problem is the emotion. Young kids start off life very open and not worried about embarrassing themselves. Kids start putting walls up to protect themselves as they get chastized for sharing their thoughts, emotions and ideas. If parents create a more open environment they can prevent or lessen those walls from forming. Even a kid who has put up walls to protect themselves at school may be completely unguarded and open at home with family, which is what you want, isn't it?

I strongly feel that usually the real problem with a person of any age is the emotion behind it not the actual issue. I may say something terse to my husband about not changing that lightbulb for the last three weeks when my real issue is not that I really need that extra light in that spot right at that moment, but that I feel I've been handling too much of the responsibility for managing the daily tasks around the house and he's not pulling his weight on something as easy as changing a lightbulb set me off to say something about the lightbulb.

I also think that some people may not even realize the bigger issue is anger about a larger issue, they may think the only problem is the lightbulb. That's why sometimes after the lightbulb is changed the anger still remains. In any relationship if there is a problem in the base foundation and if we fail to deal with the core issue the relationship will continue to have problems. It's true of the parent/child relationship as well as between friends, co-workers or with who we're in a romantic relationship with.

Over the years that I've been parenting I think I've improved my skills on winging conversations with my kids to take advantage of situations they bring up. When I realize in hindsight that I missed an opportunity or that I could have or should have said some extra things, I wait for a good time to initiate a discussion to get my point across. I don't make a huge deal out of it and call a family meeting or make it a long talk. It may just be said while I'm driving or when I'm making lunch or something. I do it at low stress times rather than put them on the spot by calling a big official meeting.

Something else that the experts often don't say that they really should is that kids and teens will feel more emotionally raw at certain times and that at those times the situation is ripe for the sharing of extreme emotions, high drama, or out of character statements. I think that parents should be both aware of those times of the day (i.e. their kid is always very dramatic and moody at bedtime when exhausted) or on certain vulnerable days. Then when something is said it should be put into perspective.

Some people (kids included) also have issues relating to food (i.e. can cry easily if they skip a meal and may be a bit on the hypoglycemic side or they may rage quickly with anger after eating a lot of sugar or corn syrup foods). What is said in those times needs to be framed and tempered if not also being taken less seriously.

Crazy statements said while in extreme moods should not be ignored but a parent should realize the root physical issue and address that such as an exhausted kid who just got home from a week at sleep away camp should go to sleep or take a nap rather than have some long drawn out disussion or an argument with the parents about something that was said. The parent should address the situation a bit but then perhaps it is best to try to shut down the discussion pending action (i.e. go eat a well balanced meal, wait an hour then talk about the problem, or go to sleep for the night then talk about it tomorrow).

Engaging a person in long dialogue who is not feeling well, who is overly tired, who has a pounding headache or who is really hungry is a recipe for disaster. More damage could be caused by the escalated or prolonged discussion, you want to avoid letting it get to that point.

Parents may be surprised that the next time the thing is discussed the kid thinks the issue is no big deal or they may have even forgotten they ever said something extreme and seem "over it" already. Perhaps you have noticed this about yourself? Women, just think of something that you really were angry about during your PMS time that was a non-issue the very next day. Now imagine your kids or teenagers in that same situation.

Talking to our kids is really not as big a challenge as some people make it out to be. If you just think about the ideal way you would like people to talk to you then do that with your child you will be off to a great start. Another way to think about it is if you were an irate customer and dealing with the company employee, how would you want that worker to deal with you?  Would you not want to quickly get to the base issue and address it to resolve your problem or is what you want just to rant and rave like a nutcase and not work at getting to a solution? Do what you think is right.

(If you detect that your child's goal is to just fight and be verbally abusive I advise that you realize that's the core problem and get to working on resolving that immediately. That is a bigger challenge, it's a real problem much larger than more simple than learning general communication techniques, and it may require expert help such as with a therapist lest you be responsible for unleashing another drama queen or drama king, or a nuisance (or a sociopath) into society. Please spare us that by getting expert help if it is needed.)

Perhaps you didn't start off your parenting journey feeling very good at communication skills, but parenting your kids is a great time to learn. You learn as you go and you learn as you make mistakes along the way.

Making a mistake in communication is probably inevitable. Don't actively avoid communication because you are afraid you'll do it wrong.  If you do say or do something you regret, sincerely apologize to your kids. It's good for our kids to see that their parents are flawed and that they make mistakes too. It is good for kids to see that when they are children they are worthy of being asked for forgiveness (they don't start to matter when they become an adult), how they feel and how people relate to them matters since the day they were born.

By knowing that their parents care about them enough to treat them with respect and dignity and by knowing they can share their feelings, thoughts and ideas with parents who care, kids develop a positive feeling of self-worth which most people call good self-esteem.

Open communication with kids is important. Just do it.