My Reactions to One Chinese Mother’s Thoughts on Mothering and Education

Yale Law School professor and Connecticut mother Amy Chua has an excerpt from her new book in the January 7, 2011 edition of The Wall Street Journal: Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.

Chua is a first-generation Chinese American, having been born a year after her parents arrived here. Her book will be released on January 11 and is called The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.



I read this piece last night and it had my mind reeling. I was a bit speechless to be honest. I just re-read the piece and here are some thoughts.

First, our views on parenting and the role of parents are shaped by our upbringing. My situation is different than Chau’s. My parents had low expectations of my public schooling and didn’t feel college was necessary for me or my brother. My father was a high school drop-out and my mother had a high school degree and was at school to get a diploma to become a secretary when she became pregnant with me and got married. My parents were hands off with my education, leaving me to navigate my own course in the public school system. I had higher goals for myself than they did, as did my brother. Although feeling unsupported and also being dissuaded from continuing college past my freshman year by my boyfriend (a man I’d hoped to marry) I wound up leaving college to attend a vocational school to earn skills to get an office job as a Medical Assistant. Years later I realized I was trapped in a dead end job and my new boyfriend encouraged me to return to college on nights and weekends to earn my bachelor’s degree. While that was happening I wound up switching careers to work for a health insurance company. I received my BA in my second year of marriage and eight months pregnant. I finished the degree just in time to leave it to become a stay at home mother. My husband has an MBA and a white collar Wall Street job and we both want our children to have a high quality education and to be able to seek the career of their choosing after college attendance. I realized to get to that place it would require more parental support and stronger self-discipline than I myself experienced.

That said, some experiences in my childhood led me to desire to have a loving and gentle relationship with my kids. I wanted to give them more affection than I had received and to have a more open channel of communication. I wanted to be able to mentor my kids and guide them to make wise choices rather than feeling distant and unapproachable as I felt my own parents were. I wanted home to be a place filled with love and warmth.

So, what do I think about this Chinese mother article in The Wall Street Journal?

I think it’s harsh!

(As I write this I noticed there are 1380 comments so far, I have not read a single one of them. I’ll save that for after I write my two cents.)

First, my kids are homeschooled and one part of my responsibility is to make sure they have some kind of social life. I don’t want my kids to be one-sided such as being very smart academically but lacking social skills or not having the good that comes from having close friends. Therefore, my kids have always had playdates and they do sleepovers.

Second, I want my kids to have time for some interests that they are interested in and therefore they do have a say in what extracurriculars they participate in. With that said my younger son is burned out of Cub Scouts this year but I know he will love Boy Scouts so I am forcing him to continue Cubs. That is one full year of burnout and me forcing him to continue. He loved the Boy Scout activities he has been allowed to participate with in this time period.

I do let my kids watch some TV and how much has varied over time. My kids watch less than some kids we know but they also watch more than other kids we know. I’ve shared this many times before, our first video game was when my oldest was ten (much later than others I know). Video games and Facebook are limited here. Again my kids play more than some kids we know and less than some other kids we know. I’m looking for balance with these things.

I completely agree with this statement which has me at odds with some local homeschooling parents I know.

“What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.”

How this applies in real life in our family has changed, getting stricter as the kids got older. With my oldest in eighth grade this year, my husband and I have gotten much more serious about academics. It also applies to things such as work our oldest does for Boy Scout merit badges that has deadlines and requirements when he’d rather spend the time on Facebook or playing a video game. Work first, play second.

We don’t call our kids garbage as it is said that some Chinese parents do but we do remind our kids that if they fail to apply themselves they may be relegated to a life of being a garbage man or flipping burgers at McDonalds. My husband likes to say there is nothing wrong with doing those vocations but the lifestyle that a salary like that can afford is not what they are accustomed to and they will have a hard life ahead of them just trying to make ends meet with providing shelter and heat and food on the table with the expensive cost of living we have here.

Chua feels that Western parents assume kids are frail and Chinese parents think they are strong. Well I think my kids are strong so I’m not fitting into Chua’s mold. I don’t feel my kid’s psyches are frail. I think my kids are probably over-indulged with material possessions (certainly compared to my lower-middle class childhood they are but compared to my neighbors my kids are the same).

The second premise that Chinese children owe their parents everything is not something I can relate to. I was brought up to not think I owed my parents anything and I don’t think mine owe me anything either. I do think if I treat my kids well and provide well for them now that they’ll want to continue a good relationship when they are adults and if my husband and I are in need of their help in our elder years that they’d feel they wanted to help us (not doing it resentfully under obligation but out of love and caring).

Chua’s third premise is that Chinese parents think the parent knows best. Well I agree with her there and I’m a western parent.

So I agree with two out of three of Chua’s premises of what makes a Chinese mother different from a western mother. I’m not fitting Chua’s mold of the western parent.

Chua says, “Don’t get me wrong: It’s not that Chinese parents don’t care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children.” Well that’s me too. So far I have put my career on hold (for thirteen years so far) and have missed out on all the income I could have been earning in that time in order to homeschool my kids.

Regarding the coercion, I have taken away privileges due to academic work not being done. So far nothing as drastic as forcing a musical piece to be mastered in one evening but I agree with priorities of work before play and also pushing kids when they are struggling to learn something new. Learning doesn’t always come fast or easy, something I’ve blogged about previously.

Chua’s closing paragraph puts two goals at opposite ends, posing that we must choose between one or the other. At one end is a child who is an individual pursuing their passions and supporting their choices and providing a nurturing environment, and at the other end is preparing them for the future, letting them see what they are capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away”. I would argue that those two things can be attained at the same time. That’s what I’m aiming for with my kids. So far I think we’re doing fairly well here with attaining that. If we succeed, maybe when my youngest has gone off to college and I have free time on my hands I’ll write my own book on how we accomplished that.

Well, for now I’m curious about what else Tiger Mother has to say so I’ve pre-ordered her book with credits earned from my blog readers buying things through my Amazon links. I’ll let you know more of what I think when I’ve read it.