Not Shying Away

Last spring my then nine year old son joined a travel lacrosse team for the first time. He boldly joined without knowing a single soul on the team. Being homeschoolers first and foremost we've chosen to attend things or join organizations to do the thing and whether we knew anyone or not was irrelevant. Later as we came to know other homeschoolers we would either bump into people we knew or we'd plan to do something together from the start.

My son had some struggles on the team as the socialization of those third and fourth graders was different than we've been teaching him to act like and it was different also from the kids he knew from homeschooling, from Cub Scouts and even his involvement being present at weekly Boy Scout meetings (as a younger sibling). This son is a rule follower who has a thing for justice and fairness. He feels if a rule is stated all should follow it. When he follows a rule he expects others to as well. He wants to follow the rule. He doesn't like it when some kids break the rule(s) and the adults in charge let it go. He feels a sense of risk if he chooses to break the rule then gets caught. He wants the adults to like him and to be happy with him so he hesistates to break the rules.

My son was not used to kids talking back to the adults in charge and refusing to do what they said and some even using profanity to the coaches' faces. My son was not used to the kids aged eight and nine swearing a blue streak to each other or making fun of each other when unprovoked, and also hearing fat jokes and "yo mamma" jokes. He didn't understand why the felt the need to talk with profanity. It didn't take him long to learn that it's cool to swear in many kid's eyes.

My son was also not used to being the target of teasing and unprovoked physical attacks such as while jogging for warm-up's being whacked on the back with a metal lacrosse stick or being poked in the gut so hard it made him feel like he was going to puke. He was used to treating people well and being treated kindly in return. He was used to being his authentic self and being accepted. He began to learn that for self-protection one must mask one's true self to others and put up walls of toughness in order to not appear to be available to be picked on.

My son really liked the sport of lacrosse. He didn't like that he was not as skilled as some of the other players especially those who said they picked up their first stick at age three or four, or the coaches' sons who obviously got years of informal practice in the yard. These coaches advised we let our kids carry the stick everywhere they go and have a ball in the stick's pocket indoors to practice cradling. My kids don't walk back and forth and all around our house "doing nothing" so that really was not happening here but I digress.

May 2010

My son enjoyed being on a team and part of the team even when he realized his skills were sub-par due to inexperience, and the other kids weren't passing him the ball so he could make important plays. He was put in defense which of course is important but it's not the position that gets the goals or blocks them thus there is little glory there.

Of all the kids on the team, my son made one friend who lives in the other town twenty minutes away, and the family is busy and has their hands full with volunteer work in addition to parenting three kids. Sadly, my son can't see that boy much.

This fall the league offered an outdoor early fall session once a week and he wanted to do it. The attendance was sketchy so he wound up playing and practicing with the kids of mixed grades from 5 to 8. My son held his own despite being sometimes the only fifth grader there: the smallest and least experienced.

For late fall he is doing the indoor lacrosse session so once weekly I'll be schlepping him there and hanging out on the turf waiting. Come to find out one kid he didn't know from that outdoor session is actually in his grade and he's in the indoor one as well. I was happy to hear that kid exclaim loudly when he saw my son that, "Hey! I know you!" then he was friendly toward my son.

November 2010

 The other kids doing the indoor clinics this fall were on his team last year. None of them gave him a greeting when they saw him. My son remained quiet so it goes both ways I guess. Another reason besides not attending the public school here that my son is an outsider is that he's also not on the travel football team like most of the boys are. As one mother told me the kids on the lacrosse team have been together season after season for football and lacrosse plus they all go to the public school.

I am happy that my son is happy playing lacrosse. I am proud that he is not shying away from lacrosse because he's not in the clique. I am glad my son is holding his own. Some of the kids are pretty tough at least on the exterior so I feel like I'm throwing him to the sharks by letting him continue in lacrosse. Some of my homeschool mom friends counseled me to pull him out to avoid this negativity. Honestly I feel my job as a mother and also as a homeschooling mother is to raise my children to be independent and able to function in this world and to deal with adversity and conflict as they come up in life.

Remember my son wants to stay in it. By allowing my son to continue playing spring lacrosse with this team and doing the associated clinics for the other two seasons I feel that my son is participating in the real world and experiencing mild doses of some adverse conditions and he's learning to cope and he's having fun playing the sport too. I'd love to see him move into something of a socially thriving mode by being more popular or getting more positive attention, than being either the underling who gets picked on or the kid who blends in and gets ignored. We'll see what happens (how that turns out is out of my control anyway).

Me waiting on the sidelines.