Intensity and Perfectionism

While working at my first real job in my career, when I was twenty years old, at a quiet time of the day, my co-workers started a discussion where they would each come up with one word to summarize the other and then state why. The idea was to try to pick one word that everyone agreed was best fitting to sum up the person in one word. I'd been working there for over six months at the time. There were three of us working full-time for this doctor and two people split the other position. We were working in a two-doctor practice, usually working ten hour days together.

They all easily agreed on the word for me. That was the first time anyone had ever told me I was intense. I was shocked to be honest. Having done many of those personality tests in my teen years and enjoying that, I'd just never come across any quiz saying I was intense. No person I knew, not my best friends or my family or acquaintences had ever described me that way let alone in a negative light which was the perspective of two of my co-workers. They explained why they felt it was true, giving examples, which I agreed were true. The thing I hadn't realized was that others don't think the way I do or work the way I do. I had a moment of seeing life through their eyes and the perspective was so different.

In case you are truly curious they said things like I arrived at work early, not on time and not late, and I began working when I arrived. I did all the tasks asked of me. I was efficient and didn't dawdle. They said I accomplished more work than they thought was necessary. I had a good work ethic but really I worked too hard, harder than anyone expected me to.

I replied that when I'm given a list of tasks to do (like file away the patient charts that were finished with), I would work to file those files until the pile was gone. Yes, I was aware that some of my co-workers would sit and chat and do nothing instead of tend to those files. What I did was chat while I worked (multi-tasking). They complained that I was always busy and doing things and rarely would sit still and just talk (to me that was goofing off). I tried explaining I was there to work and being paid to do the job and so long as there was work that needed doing I felt it was my job to do it. Some tasks were only my responsibility so if I dawdled no one else was going to pick up my slack. I said I felt I was being a good team player and being helpful if I did the things that we all were qualified to do but they were either too busy to tend to or if the task was just not getting done by anyone else. They said they felt I did too much and that although I was just doing my job that I did too much work.

Perhaps one reason I was surprised was I viewed myself as a slacker in high school. I had loved public school and felt learning was fun and easy, until sixth grade when I started feeling burned out and that school was just a game, one I was sick of playing. I realized then that school didn't always produce learning and that useful learning could be had outside of school, thus my self-education on topics of my interest began mostly through books found at my public library. By ninth grade I was really burned out and it reached a peak in grade eleven and twelve. Since I didn't wind up doing the ideal thing (going away to a college out of state and living on campus while getting a bachelor's degree) I felt I'd already failed and was on a lower track in life. I didn't feel capable back then, of obtaining a college degree. If I did feel I was intense I would have known I could have pushed myself to achieve that. (Years later with more self-confidence and the support of my now-husband, then-boyfriend, I returned to college at nights and weekends and did obtain a bachelor's degree in business management.)

At every job I've held since then I'd heard the same thing about my work ethic and intensity. At my last job at an HMO the operations manager was always generous with my raises saying I was so much more productive than other people. I just thought I was doing my job at a normal pace. Shortly before leaving that job I was told I didn't get the promotion they encouraged me to apply for (I was helping someone else with a major project and I was applying to be a project manager like they were). I was told the reason they didn't hire me was not only would I get a raise if I had the job as an official title, but they really would have to hire two full time people to replace me so it was cheaper for the company to keep me in my current job and still having time to help out the new project manager with their projects! This seemed crazy to me, to be punished and not allowed to promote up the corporate ladder for having a good work ethic and giving it 110%.

In the last few years I've become aware that in certain circumstances I can sense my own intensity and I sometimes see when it causes a problem in some way. I also have realized that in times of stress I tend to get intense. If I feel pressured to do something by a deadline I will work relentlessly to get it done which often requires working intensely. If I agree to do a volunteer job, 99% of the time I hold up my end of the bargain. I will prioritize things such as to meet that deadline for something that someone else holds me accountable for and put something like me finding time to exercise to achieve good physical fitness or to keep my heart healthy last on the list. I may prepare well for my homeschool co-op cooking class at dinner time and force my family to eat cold cut sandwiches for dinner instead of a hot cooked meal.

When I'm feeling I've been too serious and intense it can sometimes spill over and cause problems. If I feel pressured about getting out the door of the homeschool co-op in time to beat the rush hour traffic that may make me late for another appointment I may start feeling stressed and intense. In order to get it all done I start to rush around. I sense I give off a negative energy. Anyone seeing me at that point may misinterpret that I'm in a bad mood or that I'm not a nice person when my mind is just focusing on me getting out the door.

When feeling intense I may over-scrutinize a book I'm reviewing and may wind up writing a long rant review. Some of my older blog posts here were rants. I wrote them to de-stress and to think out an issue. Maybe I expect too much of a book or wanted it to be better which I thought it could be if only the author or editor pushed it up just one more level. I don't do it to tear down an author I only feel that way when true potential was there but that target was missed.

I am least intense when I'm relaxed and in times of low stress and when I have few deadlines. In those times I think I'm an easy person to be around. When I feel in control of my life and my schedule and when things are going generally well I feel less intense and less serious and more laid back and carefree.

Here are some examples of what it's like when my intensity is up at home.

I feel pressure about homeschooling plans and curriculum and schedules. I worry I am not doing a good-enough job. I worry about gaps. I wonder if I'm messing up my kid's future ability to get into a decent college for the major of their choice. I then come down harder on my kids sometimes creating unrealistic expectations and too-strict schedules and impossible deadlines in an attempt to get more  done. It always backfires and fails as with too much pressure the kids crumble and can't keep up.

I get annoyed that someone lost something. I notice clutter around the house. I then force everyone to have higher standards for low clutter and act like a drill sargeant about everyone cleaning up after themselves. Sometimes someone wants a drink of water but I've already put their glass into the dishwasher.

I worry that classes I've agreed to teach at the homeschool co-op won't be of high quality. I then spend a lot of time preparing for the class and being thoughtful about the class and having Plan B's in place. Then when my own kid's classes taught by other mothers are more laid back, have free time instead of the whole class time in teaching time, or doing below grade level work I get angry and annoyed. I expect others to have the same high expectations that I have, but the truth is not all people do.

I don't feel qualified to teach my child a certain subject so I hire a teacher to teach it. I expect high quality classes, age and grade level appropriate content. If the teacher is failing in any area I have a low tolerance. When paying good money and when they said they could do the task but they cannot, it angers me. If I wanted something sub-par I could have done it myself for free. The stress over what is not being accomplished is more stressful than me taking the time to research the topic and teach it myself.

When I commit to teach at a homeschool co-op and for that received a reduced fee for the rent and other expenses I commit to attending regularly. I do not plan vacations at that time of the year. I also attend co-op during times of hardship such as right after a loved one passed away, when perhaps someone else would have stayed home that day. I just feel that is my duty and I do it. I don't feel this is extreme but others tell me it is.

In the last few years I've tried to keep myself in check. I have tried to be less serious and less intense. I have tried being more laid back. I try to let things roll off my shoulders. I have tried to lower my expectations of others (but I still hold myself to a pretty high standard). I try to feel grateful for the good things not to focus on the negative. Although I'm a perfectionist I try not to be one, I try to relax and not feel all the ways a perfectionist feels and thinks. I know I am not perfect, I'm far from perfect, and I tell myself that when I'm feeling let down or upset or angry with someone else. I tell myself I'm not perfect, no one else is perfect, so why am I holding them to such a high standard?

This a constant effort for me, to try to not let myself feel intense like that. But I try.

My younger son was born a perfectionist and he is intense. Parenting him has been a challenge as I feel he does things that I've been fighting myself not to do, or they are things I already conquered and reformed. He doesn't see me model all the things that he does that would be better if he didn't do or feel, this comes from within him. He has a hard row to hoe living with that mindset. I don't quite know how to guide him. I have a feeling that like me, he will have to live his life, make mistakes, and have various life experiences to learn "the hard way".

Dealing with Perfectionism and Intensity

Intensity and perfectionism are two traits of gifted children and adults. This issue of giftedness is a hot topic that some can't stand to hear about. I won't go there but I must share this.

If you feel your child is intense or you are intense perhaps some books on perfectionists or giftedness can help you.

My favorite book about the emotional side of gifted children is by James Webb et al: A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children. The book Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children and Adults also by James Webb et al sheds light on the topic of when normal gifted traits are mislabeled as conditions such as mental illnesses or other diagnoses by doctors, mental health professionals or teachers (sometimes when the person was never labeled as being gifted but they really are).

For books on perfectionists, I don't have a fantastic book to recommend. If you do please share it as a comment.







P.S. In an effort to not be a perfectionist I have not run this post through spell check! I'm rushing to the next appointment and if I've made an error you will just have to forgive my imperfection!