Answering Kid's Existential Questions

This blog post was inspired by the question asked by Joyful Learner about how I respond to existential questions such as those I blogged yesterday. I had already shared that I don't always have an answer ready and sometimes struggle through it in the moment.

Before I tell you I'll share that some great conversations happen in the car when the radio is off. We usually have music or the news on, or an audiobook. My kids want to listen to something as do I. Sometimes the radio is off (by accident) and then they talk and talk and I'm grateful the silence was there to open the door of communication. So every once in a while perhaps parents should just shut the car radio off and drive in silence.

My answers are based largely on what I've been thinking about these things over the years and my present religious beliefs which have changed over time. (I was raised in an athiest home and am now a Christian who is still unbaptized and not a member of any church, who is married to a weekly churchgoing Catholic. I'm still thinking and searching and learning I guess.)

Question number one about could we all be just in a dream not real, I think I said something like if it were a dream, who is dreaming it? Aren't we all people who think what we're living is real? If I was real and dreaming that would mean you are imagined but you think you are real and what of the rest of the people on Earth?

Question number two: we don't always know our "point" for existing in this world but over time many of us do find our calling if we are tuned into wanting to find it. And I believe each of us does have a purpose and that God has a purpose/a calling for us even if we don't know what it is yet. And when we find our calling we are happy to be doing it so it's a good thing to look for. If we just keep on the path of making good choices and leading a life guided by a good moral compass it will usually lead us down a good path and we don't know always where we are going, or our goals for our destination can change over time (due to our own choice or things that happen beyond our control).  What we'll find along the way while on our journey we don't know, but we can still enjoy the journey while on it or if not everything is joyful we can learn from our mistakes or adverse things we encounter. If we make careless decisions do unethical or unlawful or destructive things it just leads to more negativity in our lives which brings us to a place opposite and contrary to something like finding our calling.

Number three about if we're "only" going to die what is the point of being alive anyway? We all affect each other's lives while on this Earth no matter how long we live or when we die. Even after a person dies things they did affect others and sometimes it changed the lives of others, so they live on inside the minds of the people who are still living. Even after they are gone they influence who we are and sometimes how we act.

Why we are here has to do with our calling too, I believe. What we do with our lives and how we treat others, whether we pollute other's lives and spread negativity or do good things and positively influence others is up to us. What impact do we want to have on other people?

I have come to the conclusion in the big picture the one thing we all have in common regarding living our lives is we influence each other. Even how a person treated me when I was a teenaged coffee and doughnut counter waitress affected me during brief encounters to pack up their to go order and collect their money.

Perhaps the number one calling we all have is to just love each other. I know that's not possible to really love everyone or to have only fantastic positive interpersonal relations with every person in our life. If we interpret that to mean that if we are to strive to make good choices, try to be polite to others, make good ethical decisions and follow the laws, that's a good start. If we try to be good communicators and address situations as early as possible (before resentment or bitterness sets in or before a mountain is made out of a molehill) it is helpful.

If we have reasonable expectations of others and treat others as we'd like to be treated it can prevent some negative interpersonal relations. We also all probably have experienced negativity from others due to them making choices we think were made in poor judgement or in error; we can learn from their mistakes too (and that's also what we can learn from some fiction books which is one reason that people love to read them, we live and learn through the characters in some books, or plays or movies).

Our family has had a number of deaths in the last four years starting with a mom friend of mine the same age as me and then a bunch of relatives who my kids loved. These deaths, the mourning, the long suffering leading to deaths, the decline of old age, and the sudden death of a person said by doctors to be healthy, a winner of two triathalons the month previous, makes me ponder the meaning of life and makes my kids think about these things too. In helping my kids through the mournings we talk about a lot of this stuff.

The fact that we homeschool has made my children able to be around their relatives more and to know them more deeply and also to see their pain and suffering more closely. Being around me so much during the death and dying phases has not sheltered my kids from the reality of suffering and then death. My kids were in the next room when their grandfather passed with the adults there sitting vigil and by his side. My kids have been to wakes and funerals and inside hospitals and nursing homes to visit our relatives. My kids have seen me help my grandmother onto a commode and at nine years old my son put his grandfather's shoes on when the pain from the Cancer was too great to bend over and do it himself. By living these experiences my kids can't help but wonder about the meaning of life.
 
Most of the time when asked these questions, I say something short but truthful to answer my kids. It isn't as hard when I have a longer answer already worked out in my head from pondering some of these ideas for my own purposes. I ask what they think and we talk it through as much as seems right for what they want to hear. I don't launch into long lectures or try to "cover" it deeply. 
 
Other times when things happen we talk about that and I will interject something from these topics so they can see how it weaves together. For example if my son has hurt feelings over something a friend did I may talk about how we influence others by our choices about decisions and how things may have been different if a different decision was made, therefore think of that the next time you are in a position to make that choice. Think about the Golden Rule when you are in the position to affect and influence others.  
 
During happy times my husband and I tell stories about deceased loved ones to show our children how a person can still affect our lives even after they have passed away. We also tell stories about things we did together, how a person influenced our lives when we were younger and stories about the our deceased loved ones and our children (things they had forgotten happened). We look at photos and talk about the people and the situations.
 
In closing I'll share that I think the one thing our kids really want from us is to know their parents deeply. Keep the lines of communication open and open your heart to your kids. Let them know you and you will be a large influence in their life even long after you are gone.