Thoughts and Questions from Kids

There is a notion that homeschooled kids have a closer relationship with their parents that allow for more discussion and question asking. I used to think this but now realize that all kinds of people homeschool and this is more about the relationship between the parent and child than just the fact that a family homeschools. I also think some of it is tied to the child's personality. Another factor is the child's own life experiences.

So a formerly-ridiculed by his peers schooled student who is now homeschooled by a mother who is not entirely happy to be with her child all day (or fill in the blank to include other factors such as dealing with financial struggles, health issues or whatever) may not necessarily be the most ideal set-up for those long talks and uninhibited discussions that some people talk about.

I've noticed something in the last couple of years. My younger son (aged 9.5 now) is more inhibited when his (12.5 year old) brother is present. I've been watching this and trying to figure it out. What I've come up with is my younger son, the very social kid, fears criticism or rejection. He does not want to ask a question or state something that his older brother may laugh at, or get a label as 'being stupid'. In the last six months or so this also includes avoiding the dreaded eye-roll. Yes my 12.5 year old has started with the eye-roll combined sometimes with the sigh.

I want to make clear that my older son, until this new eye-roll and the sometimes-sigh, didn't do or say anything to make his younger brother feel this way. This worry of social rejection was brought on by my own son's imagination. Actually he's a very observant kid and he watches other kids. He has been learning for years how other kids treat each other. He has witnessed rude sibling interactions, whether between homeschooled or between schooled kids. He especially is annoyed by the rude sisters and mean girl thing. My little guy seeks self-protection so he puts up this guard even with his brother who gave him no reason to fear him (for a long time).

This weekend my older son was at a homeschool class then at a birthday sleepover party. My husband and I had time alone with our 9.5 year old son. I was surprised at some of what he had to say. At one point he was going on and on and I grabbed a pencil and scribbled notes so I could remember this. We were in the car and it was dark so he didn't know I was putting his thoughts to paper.

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We had recently discussed Helen Keller. In the past we watched a documentary about her life. We recently drove past her home, the home she lived in until she passed away. We have discussed the fact that she was blind, deaf and mute. He knows of paralysis due to his grandmother's disability of a paralyzed left arm. We had also just spent time with my nephew with the new diagnosis of selective mutism, who has selected to not speak to any adult other than his parents. Also present was my non-verbal nephew, age ten, with Autism. On the way home---

Question: "Is there such a thing as a disorder where you can't feel anything? You can't feel with your skin, like what is rough and smooth?"

My response: "I've never heard of a disorder where you can't feel anything on your entire body like that. Sometimes people have a problem that they can't feel in a certain area of their body, if they are paralyzed sometimes they also have no feeling there."

Response: "If there was that disorder I'd feel really bad for someone. And if they were blind, deaf, can't talk, couldn't feel and were paralyzed I'd really feel bad for them."

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Out of the blue---

Question: "Is there a downside to every single thing?"

My response: "Usually there is a downside to every choice we make."

Husband's response: "No, not always."

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This was the night before the time change but it was not connected to any conversation we were having.

Question: "So really is there no such thing as time?"

My response: "People made it up. People made time up so we could talk about our schedules and timing of things."

Son: "So people made up time. And words? And numbers?"

Me: "Yes, people made up the words, and numbers too."

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My son's palatal expander broke and fell out of his mouth. He was surprised at the size of it. He said it was much smaller than it felt inside his mouth based on when his tongue touched it. He said that in the morning.

Then at night, out of the blue---

Son: "You can't rely on the tongue for accuracy."

My husband: "What?!?"

(I knew what he was talking about instantly so kept quiet.)

Son: "The tongue is not reliable for determining size and how things feel. The tongue is sometimes wrong. We can't rely on it for that."

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I love hearing these things and the quirky conversations we have sometimes. Sadly, my younger son is not as vocal as his brother was.

My older son used to ask questions like this often but never cared if his younger brother thinks the question was silly. Sadly though, my older son is outgrowing sharing some of these thoughts. He seems more in tune with the right answers to things, and if he still has an odd thought he must just be choosing to keep it to himself, even when in the safe company of me or my husband. I see also that he will go research a topic by himself to find an answer, rather than even mentioning to me that he is wondering about it. This is part of growing up I think, becoming more private, and having thoughts that he chooses not to share with anyone else.

Schooled kids think this way too. I have heard some hilarious things from the Cub Scouts I have volunteer worked with and some great stuff from unguarded homeschooled kids I know. Once in a while one of the schooled neighbor kids come out with a doozie. I have noticed that some kids seem to enjoy talking with adults more than others, and some ask tons of questions and share their thoughts. Some seem selective in who they talk to, some test the waters to see if I'm 'safe' to talk to, while others will talk to any adult non-stop, even when the adult seems annoyed or disinterested. I think the choice to talk or stay quiet is a personality thing and it's about fear of rejection or being guarded to protect oneself, so some kids choose to keep quiet rather than feeling safe and open to sharing ideas, thoughts or asking questions. With other kids I don't quite know if they think about these things or if they are just keeping their mouths shut.

I already miss questions like these from my older son. I miss the unique perspectives that reveal the way that children's minds work. I'll really miss this when my younger son grows past this stage!