My posts will probably be scant this week as it is another grieving week.
This upcoming weekend is not filled with fun Memorial Day celebrations. Instead my family will be burying the ashes of my maternal grandmother, who was like a mother to me. She passed away in December but in northern Maine due to the ground being frozen all burials must wait until May.
This is an odd grieving process for two reasons. The first is that my grandmother gave strict orders that she was not to have a wake or a funeral nor was anyone to gather immediately after her death for anything related to her passing. So we each grieved in our private ways all disconnected from each other back last December. (For the record that was a terrible for me as I now see the comfort that relatives can give each other simply by being in their presence rather than being left alone. Also taking time away from one's usual routines and appointments with the reason of "a death in the family" helps a person recover rather than keeping up with all the regular appointments and regular daily routines of our personal lives.)
Normally one's grieving process would probably start off raw and over time would diminish. But in this case five months after her passing we will all gather to bury her ashes. I thought I was doing okay with mourning her passing until about a week ago when I had a terrible nightmare that she was still alive and was angry that everyone had ignored her for the past five months, she wasn't dead like we were told. Then the other night I had another bad dream but thankfully forgot most of it.
Also I've been doing some decluttering and reorganizing and have found no less than four things that directly triggered memories of my grandmother and our relationship.
And last week a big thing happened, something with my kids and especially my younger son. I picked up the phone to call her to tell her about it before I remembered she was gone. It was exactly the kind of situation that she would have understood. She would have known my predicament and exactly the emotions that my son was feeling at the time. I had no one else in my family and no friends who would get it or would have wanted to hear the story. Perhaps one of the hardest things about her passing is that I had a special relationship with her and no one else in my life is there to take her place. Others don't get things the way she did. Others don't want to hear the stories she loved to hear.
I have a busy week of appointments this week and I'm trying to do the normal homeschooling too. I also have to pack and then will be traveling five hundred miles by car each way and will be without Internet access in that time. Between the emotions and the busyness my blogging may be different or less frequent than normal.
I'm just not in the mood to write long posts or to polish the deeper posts I have in draft.
After I get back I'll be deluged with a backlog of emails and the dust and stuff that still accumulates in our absence.
I pray that no big problems with extended relatives happen this weekend to cause negative emotions that I then would still be processing next week. Please, I don't need any drama or any more emotional baggage to carry...