Friday, January 30, 2009

Two Parenting Books I Just Bought

Last week I was feeling confused about parenting my kids. I went looking for some advice on parenting tweens and teens that is in alignment with my gentle parenting style and attachment parenting. I also needed to hear about what typical behaviors happen in boys going through puberty to have an idea of what is typical to compare to my son’s behavior. I wanted this in a book format, a thorough and in-depth source of information that I could read through. I didn't want to skim for and read different websites that may have mediocre writing.

I am disappointed in the attachment parenting method’s lack of advice and books on children over age 10. Nearly everything written on the topic pertains to babies, toddlers and young children.

I even penned an email to my favorite book author, William Sears M.D. to express that it was nearly twelve years ago that I bought my first parenting book of his, which was “The Baby Book”. His book on discipline “The Discipline Book” is stated to be for up to age ten. I am surprised he has not yet authored a book about parenting kids over age ten. So now that my first born is over ten years old I’m still waiting on him for some of his sage wisdom.

I found these two books and based on Amazon customer reviews I purchased them.

Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection instead of Coercion, Through Love instead of Fear by Pam Leo

And

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves Transforming Parent-Child Relationships from Reaction and Struggle to Freedom, Power and Joy by Naomi Aldort



The one requirement I have for parenting advice and books I buy is that they do not advocate that parents use physical pain infliction measures on their children in order to instill fear in them to scare them to act well or as a method of coercion into good behavior. I want my kids to know right from wrong and to internally and of their own free will to choose right and better behavior from internal motivation not out of fear of external punishment. I do admit to using time out’s in the past with varying success and I do have removal of fun activities (i.e. video game playing time) when my kids choose to break a family rule. When they were younger they seldom broke rules and seldom had to be reminded of rules, they just did the right thing. In the last year it has eroded. We still do not use methods of punishment that include physical pain or isolation techniques. Sometimes I require my kids to take a few minutes in a room away from a sibling during a quarrel is a calming down by giving space method and it’s not a punishment by isolation and definitely does not include them being locked into rooms against their will.

I am not sure if these really cover tween and teenaged kids or if they will meet my needs but I’ll let you know after I read them. I do have plenty of books in process I’m reading right now so these are competing for my reading time.

If you use attachment parenting techniques and have a book recommendation I’d love to hear it, for tweens and teens.

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7 comments:

Netherfieldmom said...

I have a couple of recommendations--(BTW I have read a LOT of parenting books over the years and have never come across one that recommends fear as a behavioral management technique.) I really like the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Covey, Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Fay, and Grace Based Parenting by Kimmel.

Elisheva Hannah Levin said...

I am waiting to see what you think of these two books and if they are helpful for the teen years.

I so rarely read the general parenting teens books because the Boychick's issues have much to do with his having AS. And I also think that many of them have different agendas that I do not necessarily support.

It will be nice to know how these two stack up.

christinemm said...

Netherfield Mom, Thanks for the recommendations.

Can you comment on Love and Logic as to spanking and physical pain infliction measures? I read something online that led me to believe the book may have things that are against my principals.

Giving punishment to a child that includes being hit and feeling pain is a fear based parenting technique. Kids fear they will be hurt so they try to not break the rules. They may not really care that they are making 'the right choice' but they might not do it to try just to not get hurt.

Even punishment methods as tame as removal of priviledges (i.e. video game playing time) is a fear based method too, as it is being afraid of the outcome.

mamak said...

I Loved the Naomi Aldort book. Validation, working so well here. Good luck and let us know what you think about the connections book!-K

Willa said...

I liked How to Really Love your Teen by Ross Campbell, and another book called Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld -- not exactly about parenting techniques but about attachment and how it plays out in teen behavior.

Melanie said...

Hi! I'm new to your blog. I love it so far! I share your parenting philosophy.

Have you ever read "Kids Are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso? It's absolutely one of the best parenting books I've ever read. It's all about giving your kids the "gift of inner discipline". I love it!

So glad I found you! Can't wait to read more.

Melanie

Netherfieldmom said...

Sorry to take so long to respond--I haven't read the non-teen L&L book in awhile, so I can't comment on its stand on spanking, but the teen one certainly doesn't advocate any of that. It recommends your position as not unlike a paid consultant--you advise and recommend, but they are under no obligation to act on your recommendations, thus logical consequences will (and should be allowed) to follow. Helps me control my hovering nature. I got it pretty cheaply, used on Ebay.