Bickering About LEGOs (Again)

Are we the only family that has sibling bickering about LEGOs like this? For today’s bickering event, it was the younger son who was angry but it has been the other way around as well.

Younger son: “That’s my piece! Give it back!”
Older son: “I’m using it.”
Younger son: “It’s mine, give it back!”
Older son: “I found it just now, it’s mine!”
Younger son: “I was using it!”
Older son: “No one was using it, I found it, so I am using it!”
Younger son: “It’s mine!”

(Yada, yada, yada…)

After this goes on for a few minutes and if it remains unresolved, I intervene as mediator.

In other cases if this turns into a physical altercation I immediately intervene.

After discussion it turns out like this (always).

Younger son found that piece earlier in the day, yesterday, or longer ago in the past, but never used it. He liked the piece and laid it back down on the floor and intended to use it some other time in the future.

Older son was rummaging around through the pieces on the floor, and found the single piece and used it in some cool way.

Younger son thinks that because he found a piece and liked it and intended to use it, that by leaving it with the rest (mixed in), that he still laid claim to it.

This is a hard discussion to be the mediator of. The best thing I’ve come up with to say is that if a piece is found and they plan to use it in the near future they need to put it in a special place and make it clear to all other LEGO players that those pieces in that area are being used and are not to be touched. Any pieces put back in the general area that could never be identified as “already being in use” are fair game to anyone who finds it. I make suggestions to find a new cool piece and to make a trade. I acknowledge emotions and use the talk “I see you are angry that he used that piece” and all that jazz.

However when children try to resolve disputes with physical infliction of pain that is not acceptable and we have a discussion about how to use words to communicate emotions and what they want to say, not to use physical force to express their anger.

I have read a couple of times that parents should stay out of bickering. With the personalities of my children it is not always feasible. For example I just read something saying that bickering is okay if it does not end up in verbal attacks or physical attacks. The bickering with my boys is not often, perhaps once per day, or runs in spurts, like three times a day for a few days then many days with no bickering at all. The bickering with my kids often does not resolve itself, and lately has gone into shouting or name calling (the variety of: “You’re so stupid!”) and sometimes into chasing the other around the house trying to hurt the runner or actual physical fights. As I said I let the bickering go on so they can try to resolve it themselves, which they sometimes do, but when it crosses a line, I do step in. I think the personalities of the children have a lot to do with it. Maybe in some families one child gives in more often and it doesn’t escalate. Presently my just turned seven year old has been asserting himself more, trying to be more of a leader than a follower as he was in the past, and trying to be on equal footing if not in the leader role with his older brother (which is not appreciated by my older son).

If you have any better solutions, please share them with me!

I think the general issue here is that the other kid gets jealous when one kid uses a “cool piece” in a creative way and they wish they’d thought of it or had been able to conceive of building something interesting like that. This gets back to the same issue that took place in an after-school program that led to the school banning LEGOs altogether (see my blog post on the topic here). I think the issue is not the LEGOs themselves it is about desires, plans, accidental taking of “cool pieces”, jealousy, envy, and undeveloped negotiation skills. Also add into the mix the personalities and the group dynamic (whether it is two siblings or a small group of kids in a classroom).

I don’t think removing the LEGOs will resolve all the issues. My kids also bicker about who was reading that book that the other is presently reading, who was reading that magazine, which kid owns that Yu-Gi-Oh! card or who had planned to play with that toy. Other cases are when one wants to play some board game or outdoor game, and they are unable to convince the other to play it with them. Another example is who got to throw more water balloons than the other. So you see I think the bickering is not about the actual object but something else.

Some days I get so sick of bickering like this. That is when I tell myself that all siblings do bicker. I certainly bickered with my brother when I was growing up. I try to calm myself by thinking that bickering must serve a purpose in childhood, to teach them social skills or communication skills or something.

I just did a little online searching to see if I could easily find what some expert has said about the purpose of bickering. So far I can’t find the answer. I did find this book though, “Mom, Jason’s Breathing On Me” by Anthony Wolf, and maybe I need to read the book. Here is an interview with the author of that book.



I am sure some day I will think back to this time of bickering and will wish it was here again. Maybe someday the house will be quiet and I’ll be lonely and wishing for little boy voices. However right here and now I grate my teeth when the bickering begins and do wish that my boys were not bicker-ers.

Technorati Tags: parenting, bickering, siblings.